Help Another with their Addiction

One of the main reasons I wanted to write about empathy in my forthcoming book with Bruce Perry, MD, Phd, Born for Love, was my experience of the lack of empathy we show towards people with addiction. As a former heroin and cocaine addict, I was horrified by what I learned about treatment before I sought help: the idea was that addiction is cured by "tough love," by breaking people in order to fix them.

Her father was an alcoholic who drank himself to death. All the help his young daughters and his wife tried to get him, from detox programmes, to rehab, to psychiatric sessions, had failed. "He chose to drink, and he chose that over us. It took me a long, long time to accept he had a disease, but my anger had gone before he died." Smith, now 27, spent her late teenage years trying to protect her younger sisters, support her mother and get help for her father. There was little time for her to enjoy her youth.

We have heard sayings like "don't get your expectations too high, or curb your expectations." Try as you might, you can't help but to dream, plot or plan out calculated moves in order for your expectations to come to fruition. You have a tough enough time trying to control your expectations in regards to your own personal life, but pinning those invisible and emotional expectations on the alcoholic/addict and their recovery is more often than not doomed for failure.

For those who don't know or have never heard of Al-anon, it is a 12-step recovery program that is the counter-part to the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step recovery program. It was initiated by Lois Wilson (the wife of Bill Wilson; one of the original founders of Alcoholics Anonymous) as a safe haven and support group for anyone who is dealing with a loved one's alcoholism (and/or drug addiction). I have been attending Al-anon meetings for 20 years and came away from my first meeting thinking..."What a bunch of losers, as well as... I heard some interesting things here."

During this time of year, I have had many clients look for guidance on how to establish and secure their boundaries with the alcoholic/addict whether it is a spouse, child or friend. They want to include them in the family festivities, but are anxious nonetheless; torn between the pull of family unity and the possibility of uncertain behavior. They have witnessed all too often the other occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or just plain Sunday night dinners when the alcoholic/addict arrived in their addiction, or became intoxicated and all hell broke lose due to... well, anything.

Having the courage to hold people accountable - especially the ones we love - for their substance abuse is the single most important community factor in reversing addictive behavior. Denial and the lack of courage to hold the addict accountable lets the disease process go forward, ruining the user’s life and those around them.

A narcissist often prefers to have people around him who behave in such a way as to meet and gratify his own needs or enhance his own vision of himself. If they act separately, have too many of their own points of view or their own opinions they threaten the narcissist's equilibrium. How does this mirror addiction? The addict is ever absorbed with getting their next fix; that's how they maintain their equilibrium, albeit very dysfunctionally. Their needs come first.

Over the recent July 4 weekend, I asked a particularly wise 10-year-old girl what she thought about tobacco harassment. She mulled and then answered to the effect that it’s fair for kids to let their parents know how they feel, even by trickery, but a kid needs to know that smoking is addictive and a parent may not be able to quit. I suggested she ought to be surgeon general someday... So, is it OK to harass the smokers we love? For kids, I think, absolutely. Adults—you tell me.

One of the commonest questions anyone working in the addiction field is asked is “How can I stop my wife/husband/partner from drinking so much?” Unfortunately the short answer to that is – you can’t. They will stop when it suits them, whether that is because they hurt so much or because circumstances change. There is some good news, however, and that is if you can’t actually stop them drinking then there are things that you can do, or stop doing, that will make it more likely that they will take action and/or seek help for their drinking.

Dear Bewildered Best Friend -- Sounds like your friend has a severe case of "adult-olescence;" his mindset is far below his numeric age and he continues to play at being an adolescent when he's really an adult. I often refer to it as the "Peter Pan Syndrome." It can be a form of escapism, denial, and delayed adulthood, and it's accomplished by a lot of play, feelings of invincibility, and self-obsession.