VIII. Increasing Positive Interactions: Couple & Family Activities
1. Catch Your Partner Doing Something Nice
A satisfying relationship is based on each partner giving and receiving caring behaviors on a regular basis. In any relationship, a partner’s needs may be met negatively by punishment, threats, annoyances, and arguments, or positively by receiving caring behaviors.
In general, people usually ignore positive behaviors and focus on negative behaviors. The goal of Catch Your Partner Doing Something Nice is for each partner to begin to notice the nice things that his or her partner is doing for him or her already, since some of these gestures may be going unnoticed.
Practicing this will increase the frequency with which you and your partner notice, acknowledge, and show caring behaviors on a daily basis. The result is that acknowledging the positive will increase the positive feelings that you have toward your relationship and promote relationship satisfaction.
The first step in learning to give and receive caring behaviors is learning to notice them when they happen.
That is the purpose of Catch Your Partner Doing Something Nice. Depending on how well you and your partner are getting along, it may be difficult at first to recall one another’s caring behavior. Keep in mind that it is not out-of-the-ordinary behavior that is the target; rather, it is everyday, normal behaviors that demonstrate caring or affection that should be noticed.
EXERCISE 1 begins with examples of caring behaviors that partners may be doing for one another right now. These caring behaviors may be going unrecognized or unappreciated. Take a moment to review the list below and then add a few of your own in EXERCISE 1.
My partner…
said “I love you” expressed his or her feelings/thoughts to me
said he or she was glad to see me asked for my opinion
played with the children complimented something I made for dinner
read a story to the children apologized to me
cuddled close to me in bed forgave me for something
tried to cheer me up thanked me for helping him/her out
called me just to say hello smiled at me and made me laugh
EXERCISE 1 Caring Behaviors
My list of caring behaviors:
______________________________ ____________________________
______________________________ ____________________________
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Using EXERCISE 2, Catch Your Partner Doing Something Nice, list 1-3 Caring Behaviors that you noticed in the past week. Take a moment when you see your partner to state something nice that he or she did or said in the previous week.
EXERCISE 2
Catch Your Partner Doing Something Nice
Ex. Ed helped me make dinner and cleaned up afterwards without being asked.
Ex. Susan asked me how my day was and listened when I talked.
Each day, notice at least one nice thing that your partner does and tell him or her. It is always possible to notice at least one caring behavior – even if you do not see your partner for an entire day.
2. Catch Your Child Doing Something Positive
It is often much easier to notice unwanted or troublesome behaviors in children and ignore their positive behaviors. The goal of Catch Your Child Doing Something Positive is for parents to begin to notice and praise the positive things that their children are doing for them already, since some of these gestures may be going unnoticed.
Practicing this activity will increase the frequency with which you notice and acknowledge your children’s positive behaviors on a daily basis AND help to reinforce those behaviors so that the children continue to do them. Learning to focus on positive behaviors and reinforce these behaviors with praise should lead to an increase in such positive behaviors and decrease dwelling on the child’s “unwanted” behaviors.
EXERCISE 3, Catch Your Child Doing Something Positive, gives you an opportunity to think of and list your child’s positive behaviors. This sheet can be posted on the refrigerator to further emphasize the importance of the activity and lets your child know you are paying attention to the good things that he or she does daily.
Take a moment to list 1-3 positive things that your child did in the past week. We strongly encourage parents to participate in this activity on a daily basis.
Catch Your Child Doing Something Positive
Ex. Your son, Patrick, picked up his toys after being asked only once.
Ex. Your 6-year-old daughter, Emily, gave her 1-year-old brother a hug.
3. Acknowledging Caring Behaviors
Emotional expression is not taught in school. We learn it by chance, or from role models (i.e., parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, teachers, etc.). Therefore, the ingredients of effective communication can be taught and learned. Learning to express positive feelings requires practice in order to promote improvement in daily life at home.
The first training in communicating positive feelings focuses on Acknowledging Caring Behaviors - letting your partner/child know how good it felt when he or she did something nice. Noticing and acknowledging Caring Behaviors will make those involved feel good and will encourage your family not to take these Caring Behaviors for granted.
The goal of this section is to increase awareness and acknowledgment of pleasing or caring behaviors. Long-term goals include encouraging more caring behaviors and enhancing or improving family relationships. Sincerity and honesty are the keys when thanking someone for caring acts.
It is important in all relationships that we communicate both positive and negative feelings/thoughts. If we are doing too much of one and not enough of the other, it will have a negative effect on our relationship. It is important to have a balance of both.
Learning from others can be good if we are learning effective ways of expressing ourselves, but troublesome if we are learning poor ways of expression. We know that effective communication skills can be taught and learned, and that couples/parents can improve their communication skills.
The short-term consequence of acknowledging and exchanging positive feedback between partners, and between parents and children, is that this can strengthen or reinforce the giving of more caring behaviors. The long-term consequence is that Acknowledging Caring Behaviors is good for any relationship.
Remember that, even if it feels difficult or uncomfortable, behavior change comes first, and then feelings will change. It's often helpful to have a long-term perspective. Practice, practice, practice! Practicing this may feel awkward at first, but will strengthen positive behaviors.
Take some examples from Catch Your Partner Doing Something Nice (EXERCISE 2) and Catch Your Child Doing Something Positive (EXERCISE 3), acknowledging each of them using the formulas in EXERCISE 4:
EXERCISE 4 - ACKNOWLEDGING CARING BEHAVIORS
WHAT YOU SAY: HOW YOU SAY IT:
“I liked it when you…” Look at the other person
“Thank you for...” Use a pleasant tone of voice
“It made me feel…” Add a smile; Be sincere
4. Caring Days
This activity encourages both partners to do something nice for each other. The goal of Caring Days is to put more caring back into the relationship with your partner, by taking the time and energy to plan some special things that will please both of you.
A couple should take turns planning a Caring Day. The best way to plan is to rotate the weeks, that way each of you has the chance to plan and the opportunity to be on the receiving end of a caring gesture. Caring Days should not be kept a surprise (if the day is kept secret, there is a chance of plans overlapping) and can be small, low-cost gestures that show caring.
Examples of everyday, routine events that can be opportunities for a Caring Day:
*Wash the dishes
*Make a special meal
*Bring home dinner
*Give a few extra hugs and kisses
*Say, “I love you” a few extra times
In EXERCISE 5, list your ideas for Caring Days for your partner and for your child(ren).
EXERCISE 5 Caring Days
For Your Partner For Your Child(ren)
__________________________ __________________________
__________________________ __________________________
__________________________ __________________________
1 Stuart, R. (1980). Helping couples change. New York: Guilford Press.
5. Shared Rewarding Activities
The upset and unhappiness that often exists in a substance-using relationship can cause a couple to stop doing enjoyable things together. Unfortunately, this results in what is often called a "vicious cycle.”
That is, a pattern develops in which the less time that is spent doing enjoyable activities together, the more negative feelings grow and the less a couple wants to spend time together. They no longer participate in the activities they once enjoyed, often fearing that the substance user will become intoxicated, embarrass the family or become withdrawn or abusive, or they do not enjoy one another’s company anymore.
Hobbies, sports, and other interests often take a back seat trying to keep the family together, the bills paid, and the substance user out of trouble. As a result, it is not surprising that many couples have not done anything "fun" together or with the family in a long time - perhaps even years.
If they are having fun with each other, often the activities usually involve the use of substances. The goal of Shared Rewarding Activities (SRAs) is to break the “vicious cycle” and to begin to put a healthier form of “fun” back in the relationship. In addition, SRAs help to increase the amount of positive time a couple, and family as a whole, spends with each other.
Life can be so hectic at times that we lose out on spending time with our family. We might drive the
kids to their friends house or watch television with them, but we may not spend time doing fun things with them.
Couples may be paying the bills, ensuring that household chores are taken care of, and that the kids are cared for, but they may lose out on spending quality, positive, fun time together as a couple. Families need not feel that everything about their relationship is perfect in order to have a good time with each other. Remember, the change in behavior comes first and then the change in feelings will follow.
There are three types of family social-recreational activities:
1. Time for doing things together - just the couple alone.
2. Time for doing things together with the family, alone or with other families.
3. Time for doing things with the partner and other adults, without the children.
These activities can be done inside or outside of the home, such as a “date” at home, family games, or having company over. For optimal benefits, plan and do fun activities every week, making specific plans for the day and time of the activity, as well as the activity itself. These activities should be fun, inexpensive (if not free), and alcohol and drug free.
SAMPLE SHARED REWARDING ACTIVITIES
Share a snack Play board games Go to/rent a movie
Go to the beach Go jogging, hiking, camping Have a fancy dinner
Go to the park Read aloud to each other Go for a bike ride
Go to the library Take a short family trip Go out for ice cream
Visit friends/relatives Play tennis or ping-pong Create a craft or art project
The most important part of SRAs is making sure that the chosen activities are positive and fun. Couples can plan activities together, parents can choose an activity and tell the kids what the plans are, or the activity can be planned as a family. This approach allows for everyone to have input into the activity and the couple/family can work together to make a decision about what would be the most fun for everyone.
For EXERCISE 6, list some of your ideas for SRAs as a couple and as a family.
EXERCISE 6 Shared Rewarding Activities that we can do as a
couple family
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6. Family Meetings
Family members are often so busy with their own schedules that it becomes difficult to keep track of family business and each other. Family Meetings can strengthen the family and serve as opportunities to plan the week’s schedule, divide errands/chores, relay important messages, plan fun or educational activities, and talk about important topics.
The meetings can also strengthen communication skills and cooperation within the family. It is recommended that compliments, schedules, family business, and children's chores/allowance be core parts of any meeting.
Here are some suggestions on how to conduct an effective Family Meeting:
Sharing Positive Thoughts-
• This is a time for each family member to recognize the good things each member of the family has done in the past week.
• This could be a thank you for help, mentioning special talents noticed, recognizing new skills learned, and encouraging improvements.
• This starts the family meeting with positive feelings.
Time Management –
• Each person in the family discusses what they need to do or have ready by each day of the week.
• The family members discuss conflicts in commitments and make plans to cover each other or arrange transportation, baby-sitters, or other things that must occur to make the events discussed work smoothly.
Family Business –
• The family discusses unfinished family business from the last meeting, as well as new items.
• This may be a time to discuss finances and financial planning, work and education, expectations and family relations.
• The family can also discuss family policy (“Family Rules”) and family values.
Family Forum –
• Some families may opt to use the family meeting as a forum for teaching family values and family education.
• During this time, the family may wish to decide on several important topics for the family, such as family recreation and leisure time plans, friends, spirituality, health, etc.
• Each of these topics is rotated each week, with family members volunteering to prepare a report to the family on a special topic area. For example, the health topic could include: dental care, medical checkups, mental health, exercise, nutrition, and other important health topics.
Chores and Allowance –
• This is a chance to review chores from the last week, as well as list new duties for the upcoming week.
• This is a good time for parents to provide allowances, based on completion of household chores, as well as negotiate allowance terms (i.e., an increase or decrease in allowance).
Family Fun –
• The family meeting should end on a positive note with a family game, fun family activity, singing, and/or a dessert.
• This increases the feeling of family love and unity and gets the week off to a positive start.
Families can choose to add or subtract parts to the meeting sections based on family needs and time. The "sky is the limit" if there is the time and the desire. Although some children may seem to dislike the time spent in family meetings, most children later tell their parents that family meetings were the most important part of their time with the family.
How would you plan a Family Meeting? EXERCISE 7 asks you to identify topic areas that you and your family would discuss for each of the different meeting components.
EXERCISE 7 Family Meeting
1. What positive thoughts or special thanks would you share?
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2. What family commitments or schedules need to be planned or worked out?
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3. Are there school or work issues that need to be shared with the family?
Do you need to discuss a specific family rule or decision?
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4. Are there some important topics that the family needs to discuss?
Is it time to plan a SRA?
__________________________________________________________
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5. Do you need to revisit some of the household chores? Are there new duties
needing to be assigned to someone? Is it time for allowance?
__________________________________________________________
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6. What type of family fun would you end your meeting with (dessert, game)?
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See more of this publication at Sobriety: A Couple’s Workbook
Learning Sobriety Together: A Couple’s Workbook is also available as a pdf download – see list of manuals on the Addiction and Family Research Group site
http://addictionandfamily.org/