VII.  He Said-She Said: A Discussion on Communication Barriers & Skills for Successful Communication

1. Barriers to Good Communication

Communication is an important part of any relationship. There are many ways that communication can go wrong. Communication becomes more difficult when the content of the message is unclear or confusing, when the conversation is very emotional, and when mistrust and distress take away from the positive and enforce negative aspects of the message.

Listed below are a number of barriers to good communication.

a. Tone of Voice: Tone of voice becomes a barrier when it does not match the meaning of the message. The tone of voice used can distort the message being sent.

• For example, one partner has a difficult day at work, comes home and says something to his or her partner with a tone that sounds harsh because he or she is mad at someone else. The Speaker may not even be aware that he or she sounds angry, but the message becomes distorted with negativity even when the subject may be one that is positive or neutral.

• In addition, the tone may match the content, but negative feelings or thoughts can be expressed in our messages and be a barrier.

b. Filters: How the Listener hears the message.

• For example, a partner may give the other a compliment, but if he or she is feeling depressed or moody, the compliment sounds fake, when it might have sounded sincere if the person was in better spirits.

c. Body Language: Body language is used to show that the Listener is actively listening to what the Speaker has to say. Some examples of helpful body language include facing the Speaker, maintaining eye contact, and paying full attention to what the Speaker is saying.

• If the Listener does not maintain positive body language, not only can he or she become easily distracted, but also the message sent to the Speaker is that his or her partner is not listening and that he or she does not care about what is being said.

d. The “All Talk and No Listen” Syndrome: This occurs when both partners are so sure that they are right that they think it is a waste of their time to hear and try to understand the other person’s viewpoint. Partners just state their points again and again, but neither is heard.

This results in both partners feeling frustrated, not listened to, not respected, and lonely.

An example may look like this (note: SA = Substance Abuser; P = Partner):
SA: Blah, blah.
P: Yak, yak.
SA: What I said was “blah, blah.”
P: What I said was “yak, yak.”
SA: Don’t you see, I am saying “blah, blah.”
P: Don’t you see, I am saying “yak, yak.”
SA: Well I said “blah, blah.”

The “blah, blah” and “yak, yak” can be replaced with anything; the point is that partners continue to restate their position without hearing each other at all. All talking and no listening prevents the exchange of information, feelings, and thoughts and weakens the ability of a couple to resolve disagreements and relationship issues.

Signs of Ineffective Communication:

1. Partners report feeling hurt and not listened to.
2. Both partners believe that the other doesn’t see their point of view.
3. The conversation drifts off topic.
4. The couple does not stay on one topic long enough to resolve disagreement.
5. Partners expect ‘mind reading’ from each other.

e. Blaming & Shaming: This type of communication is often loaded with hostility and anger, and each partner is on the defensive, trying to protect his or her own point of view.  Furthermore, engaging in the shame/blame routine allows one or both partners to avoid responsibility for their own actions, distracts partners from the issue(s) at hand, and prevents any discussion and resolution.

Here are some examples of statements that blame and shame the other person:
• “You did this!”
• “You decided to do that on your own, live with your own choices!”
• “You lied before; why should I believe you now?”

2. Direct vs. Indirect Communication

When couples practice healthy, positive communication skills they increase the benefits that extend to their relationship.

Potential benefits include:
• Strengthening and rebuilding the relationship.
• Building trust that might have been lost.
• Reducing stress and anxiety, which were once reduced only through use of alcohol/drugs.
• Bridge relationship gaps that were created through a history of substance use.

When the Speaker expresses feelings directly, there is a greater chance he or she will be heard because the Speaker says these are his or her feelings, his or her points of view, and not facts about the other person. The Speaker takes full responsibility for his or her own feelings and doesn't blame the other person for how he or she feels. This reduces the Listener's defensiveness and makes it easier to receive the intended message.

Direct Communication
Taking responsibility for your feelings. 
Not waiting to share your feelings.
Actively expressing yourself.
Assertive. 

Indirect Communication
Accusing and blaming the other person.
Delaying and avoiding.
Passively withdrawing.
Sulking or aggressive.

3. Communication Skills

Often, in substance-using families, communication patterns have declined into frequent yelling and long periods of silence. When this occurs, particularly for an extended period of time, the communication patterns of the entire family become unhealthy, unproductive, and ineffective. We have already discussed barriers to communication and the benefits of using direct communication skills in relationships.

There are some basic communication strategies that you can employ that will greatly enhance the healthy exchange of ideas, feelings, and thoughts, increase problem solving ability, and promote relationship cohesion.

a. Speaker & Listener Skills: Becoming familiar with the communication skills of speaking and listening and how to use these skills is essential in rebuilding healthy, effective communication patterns within a relationship.

a-1. Message Intended = Message Received: Good communication exists when the message that is intended matches the receiver’s understanding of the message.

When the Speaker clearly states what he or she wants, thinks, or feels and does not assume that the Listener already knows what he or she is trying to say AND the Listener makes every effort to make sure that he or she understands the message and does not fill in gaps with his or her own assumptions, the chance of the message intent matching that of the message received increases greatly.

a-2. Intent = Impact Model [1]

The Intent = Impact Model of Communication provides a model to understand the basic elements of effective communication. In this example, the Speaker has a message that he or she intends to send to the Listener. If the Impact on the Listener is exactly the same as the Intent of the Speaker, effective communication is achieved.

However, every couple experiences problems in effective communication at certain times. Basic ingredients of effective interpersonal communication are competence and motivation on the part of both partners.

• The Speaker MUST be willing and able to send short, clear, and honest messages that are consistent regarding verbal and nonverbal components (versus contradictory/mixed messages, long and distorted messages, or promoting hidden agendas that are out of the Sender's awareness).

• The Listener MUST be willing and able to actively listen to the Speaker, helping him or her to clarify the intended message, rather than over-interpreting, interrupting or defending oneself, or debating the issue.

Speakers and Listeners must also be aware of and attempt to minimize any existing Speaker or Listener filters. There are two basic types of filters that can distort or interfere with the Intent = Impact process.

• One filter type is temporary or situational, and may change very often; for example, fatigue, a headache, substance use, happiness over getting a new job, having a great day, etc.

• The other filter type tends to last longer and be persistent, often composed of one's biases, expectations, beliefs, character traits, vulnerabilities and sensitivities; for example, low self-esteem, anger management problems, narcissistic personality traits, recurrent major depression, etc.

Effective couple communication requires that partners be aware of these two types of filters and work together to reduce or eliminate any distorting effects.

The Intent = Impact Model highlights that feedback occurs in both directions between the Speaker and the Listener. It is possible that, even while the Speaker is delivering his or her message, the Listener may express nonverbal or verbal responses that alter the message being delivered in progress.

For example, if the Speaker is talking and the Listener responds with a frown, the Speaker may alter his or her message immediately. Partners can become more effective communicators if they are aware of the strategies of action and reaction that relate to the Intent = Impact Model of Communication.

[1] For more information on the Intent=Impact Model refer to: Gottman, J., Notarius, C., Gonso, J., & Markman, H. (1976). A couple’s guide to communication. Illinois: Research Press.

The two most important skills necessary to help make sure that the message intended matches that of the message received are “I” Messages and Listening.

a-3. “I” Messages: Effective communication involves a clear and direct message being sent from the Speaker to the Listener.  “I” Messages help the Speaker express both positive and negative feelings directly and clearly.

Again, there are many things that can block direct messages, such as the Speaker’s mood, tone of voice, attitude toward the topic and/or Listener, and communication skills.  The Speaker needs to communicate the message clearly in order for the Listener to hear and understand that message.

The Speaker should practice using this simple “I” Message formula:

“I feel________ [emotion], when you _______ [behavior].”

Use the “I” Message formula to complete EXERCISE 1.

EXERCISE 1 - “I” Messages
1)   You and your partner will need to come up with two “I” Messages.
2)   Focus on a positive feeling or behavior.
3)   Your message may be a general one: “I feel happy [emotion] when I have a Saturday to relax [behavior].” or it may be more specific to the relationship: “I feel appreciated [emotion] when you bring me breakfast in bed [behavior].”
4)   Take turns expressing a thought or feeling to each other.

As you both become more comfortable with this simple formula, other components can be added, such as:
“I feel _______________ [emotion], when you _________ [behavior], because ________ [specific reason].”
 
Now let’s add the specific reason into your “I” Message using the new formula in EXERCISE 2.

EXERCISE 2 - “I” Messages with behavior
1. Add the specific reason to your “I” Messages from EXERCISE 1 or create two new messages.
 - Examples of what you might say:
 - “I felt angry [emotion], when you came home yesterday and said you had already had dinner [behavior], because all of the food I made went to waste [specific reason].”
Or  - “I feel happy [emotion] when I have a Saturday to relax [behavior] because we are usually so busy on that day [reason].”

When using “I” Messages, as the Speaker you are expressing your own feelings or thoughts and taking responsibility for them. When acting as the Speaker you should acknowledge the parts of the message that the Listener, your partner, heard that were correct and repeat what was missed using the same formula.

When each partner has the ability to express feelings, thoughts, and opinions freely and openly and to do so in a clear and direct manner using “I” Messages, communicating on tough subjects becomes much easier. “I” Messages can be used as an effective tool for presenting different points of view and increasing the likelihood of being heard and understood.

As you become more comfortable with practice, you will see that you can talk about tougher, more sensitive thoughts and feelings using a clear and direct formula. Remember, you are talking about your own thoughts, feelings or beliefs, not each other’s.

a-4. Listening: Good listening helps each partner feel understood and supported and works to slow down the exchange of information to prevent the increase of negative thoughts or feelings from growing. It is common for people to misunderstand, assume, or filter messages sent from others; therefore, clarifying and checking the accuracy of what was heard increases the chance of the message intent matching the message received.

Listening to another person may seem like a simple thing to do, but you will see after some practice, really listening is not so simple. If you have ever noticed what happens in an argument, you know that the conversation can get faster, louder, and much more intense the longer it goes.

As individuals argue with each other, emotions flare and both people try harder to make their point. We call this the “Yeah-buts.” This is when you are talking and someone continually interrupts you with “Yeah, but I think…”, as if what you said didn’t matter at all. If a person is concentrating on what he or she wants to say next, he or she is not listening to the Speaker.

True listening entails concentrating on the Speaker’s message, not on “planning your next attack.”

There are three main components to effective listening:

i. Mirroring: Mirroring involves the Listener repeating, in his or her own words, the words and the feelings expressed by the Speaker.
Examples of what mirroring looks like:
“What I heard you say was…”
“If I got it right, you said…”
“If I’m hearing you correctly, you said…”
 
The Listener can then ask: “Did I get that?” or “Is there more?” This conveys to the Speaker that there is willingness to understand his or her point of view.

If clarification is necessary, the Speaker can acknowledge what was heard correctly and repeat the message content that may have been missed. The process of Mirroring can be repeated until the message received matches the message sent.

Effective listening hints:

1. The first thing to do in order to become more effective listeners is to slow down the conversation and put aside your own “stuff” so you can fully understand the Speaker’s viewpoint and feelings.

2. You don’t have to agree with your partner to understand his or her point of view.

3. Listen to your partner, and tell him or her what you believe you heard him or her say.

4. You may not get it right the first time; that’s okay. The idea is to try to really listen without judging or adding your own thoughts. You will get a chance to give your side of the story and share your thoughts, but not until your partner has said everything he or she needs to say.

Practice using “I” Message and Mirroring skills by working through EXERCISE 3.

EXERCISE 3 “I” Messages & Mirroring
1. Partner #1: restate your “I” Message from EXERCISE 1 OR 2 to your partner.

2. Partner #2: mirror your partner’s statement by starting with one of the Mirroring statements (“What I heard you say was…?”), then repeat back to your partner what he or she said to you.
- Use the words and the feelings to convey that you understand what your partner is saying to you.
- Remember to clarify anything that the Speaker says was not heard correctly: “Is there more?” or “Did I get that?”

3. Partner #1: Take your time to help make sure your partner really did understand what you were telling him or her.

4. Practice this a few times while taking turns.

ii. Validating: Validating is NOT the same as agreeing. Validating IS when the Listener conveys understanding of the thoughts, feelings, and opinions from the Speaker’s point of view.

Examples of what to say to indicate understanding are:
“I can understand that…”
“That makes sense to me because…”

iii. Empathizing: Empathizing is the process of the Listener understanding how the issue/situation must make the Speaker feel.

Examples of expressing empathy include:
“That must make you feel…”
“You must have felt…”

As you become more comfortable with the speaking and listening techniques, try to let your partner know that you understand how he or she feels or thinks. Remember, when you are truly listening it is about the person talking to you, not your own thoughts or feelings.

When the first person is done speaking and feels that he or she has said what needed to be said, then it is okay to switch roles so that both partners can talk and be heard.

b. Expressing Feelings Directly: Expressing both positive and negative feelings directly is an alternative to the blaming, hostile, and responsibility-avoiding communication behaviors that make up many substance users’ relationships. Expressing Feelings Directly has benefits for both the Speaker and the Listener.

When the Speaker expresses feelings directly, there is a greater chance that he or she will be heard because he or she states that these are his or her feelings, thoughts, or points of view, not some objective fact about the Listener. The Speaker takes responsibility for his or her own behaviors/feelings and in doing so, does not blame the partner for how he or she feels.

Positive results for the Listener include decreasing any defensive feelings, increasing focus on the message, and greater likelihood of receiving the message correctly.

HERE IS A LIST OF SOME DOS AND DON’TS WHEN EXPRESSING FEELINGS DIRECTLY:

DO
State your own feelings: “I” Messages 
Tell how you feel in reaction to something your partner did – “I felt…”
Express negative feelings with WORDS... not actions
Discuss one issue at a time

DON’T
Accuse partner – “You…”
Blame partner for how you feel
Use angry gestures or voice tone
Threaten violence
Try to ‘win’ the discussion

c. Negotiation for Requests: No relationship is perfect; no relationship meets all our wants, needs, and desires.  To want changes from a partner or changes in a relationship is normal.  However, asking for and negotiating for change is difficult in almost any relationship. 

Deep, emotionally-charged conflicts may have caused a lot of hostility and coercion for years and are the most difficult to change. Learning the skills that make up Negotiation for Requests can help in altering behaviors and attitudes that have been at the core of many disagreements and hard feelings between partners.

There are three skills that comprise Negotiation for Requests: (1) Positive Specific Requests, (2) Negotiation and Compromise, and (3) Agreements.

c-1. Positive Specific Requests: It is not unusual for couples to complain about what is wrong in their relationship and what they are not getting from those relationships or from their partners. Partners usually say what they don't want and are often vague and unclear about what they do want. Positive Specific Requests is an alternative to the all too frequent practice of couples complaining in vague and unclear terms and trying to coerce, browbeat, and force their partner to change.

Learning to make Positive Specific Requests and Negotiate and Compromise can lead to Agreements that have the potential to resolve the tough issues.

In order to negotiate for a desired change, each partner must learn to state his or her desires in the form of Positive Specific Requests:

1. Positive - what you want, not what you don't want.
2. Specific - what, where and when.
3. Requests - not a demand that uses force and threats, but rather a request that shows the possibility for negotiation and compromise. Requests should be realistic and reasonable  in their expectations.

Examples of Positive Specific Requests:
“I want my partner to spend 3 nights a week playing with our kids after work.”
“I want my partner to help with the dishes on nights when I go to class.”

c-2. Negotiation & Compromise: Negotiating requests begins with each partner noting which of his or her partner’s requests he or she would like to fulfill, in part or fully. Having a request fulfilled, even in part, can bring a boost of satisfaction and happiness to the relationship; each partner does not feel as if everything is one-sided.

At this point, all of the skills discussed previously, (i.e., “I” Messages, Listening skills, Expressing Feelings Directly), will be extremely helpful when you are trying to negotiate and compromise.

Any request should be realistic and reasonable. Fanciful promises make for an unstable and weak agreement with little chance of success. This can result in harsh feelings, disappointment, and perhaps even feelings of relationship failure.

Each partner must fully understand what they are committing themselves to in the exchange process: how often, how much, when, where, and with whom must be spelled out.

In the same way that the request needs to be specific, realistic, and reasonable in its expectations, the partner needs to be specific, realistic, and reasonable about his or her ability to fulfill the request.

For example:
“I agreed to…” (be specific: what, when, & how often)
“My partner agreed to…” (based on negotiation & compromise)
“Did I follow through with my agreement?”

c-3. Agreements: Successful agreements between partners that are the result of successful negotiation and compromise can be described on a scale from:

Frequency: How often will this agreed-upon behavior occur (daily, weekly, monthly)? Duration: How long will this last (summertime, during school semesters, daily, one year)? Situation: Is this agreement in effect only when at home, all of the time, in the company of family/friends, at a specific event?

Examples may look like:
“Every Thursday night, from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. [frequency], I agree to take our son to practice. I will do this every Thursday through the summer season [duration], while you attend class [situation].”

“On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights [frequency], when you work late [situation], I will cook dinner and make sure the kids finish their homework. When the kids are finished with school, and your work schedule changes, then perhaps we will alter this agreement [duration].”

It is very important to develop your agreement using the three parts (frequency, duration, situation). Also, keep in mind that partial fulfillment of a request is not equal to failure or resistance to change from your partner, but an honest effort to make some changes to help fulfill your desired change request.

After checking the examples used in the box below, take some time to work through a request with your partner using the guide in EXERCISE 4.

Example requests you can use to practice:
“I would like you to… 
   give me a kiss each morning before leaving for work or
   hold my hand while we watch TV or
   read 20 minutes a night to the kids at bedtime   or
   plan a special date for us once a month.”
 
EXERCISE 4

Negotiation for Requests
 
1. Tell your partner about something that you would like or like to see change.
  - Make sure the request is positive, specific, and a request, not a demand.

2. Talk about the request and check to see if it can be completed; is it realistic?

3. If something needs to change, then you can negotiate.
   - Can the request be completed at another time of the day, or maybe the time needs to be a bit more limited.

4. Talk this out; a request can always be fulfilled at least in part.

5. Check with each other to make sure you both understand what it is you will do, how often, when, with whom, etc.

6. Take turns so that each of you has the chance to make a request to the other.

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See more of this publication at Sobriety: A Couple’s Workbook

Learning Sobriety Together: A Couple’s Workbook is also available as a pdf download – see list of manuals on the Addiction and Family Research Group site
http://addictionandfamily.org/