V. It Takes Two: Seven Dimensions That Influence Couple Functioning

The Seven Cs
Character Features         Caring
Cultural & Ethnic Factors         Communication
Contract Features              Conflict Resolution
Commitment

To say that relationships are complicated is an understatement. Relationships can be frustrating, yet satisfying at the same time. Relationships can inspire feelings of intense love and happiness, as well as anger and sadness.

This section presents seven critical factors that can affect long-term close relationships. These seven factors can be helpful in understanding couple functioning; they represent areas of personal and interpersonal functioning related to being in a relationship.

a. Character Features: This refers to features and traits that form the individual nature of a person. The term character refers to the characteristics of a person that tend to be persistent and play a major role in defining that person.

Character traits and features will be based on the individual’s personality style, history of mental illness, emotional problems, medical concerns, or substance abuse problems, as well as personal resources and ability to adapt and cope in a variety of circumstances and around a variety of issues.

Simply, a person’s psychological make-up, history, and experiences will influence how he or she relates and functions individually and with others. Suppose we put this on a scale; at one end is a person who has great potential for success at achieving a healthy and functional balance of independence and interdependence in a relationship, while at the other we see a person who has difficulty maintaining an adult intimate relationship.

Ideally, we would want to see character features such as the ability to love and be loved, a healthy and balanced home life, responsibility and resourcefulness, and the ability to adapt to stressful situations in a way that is emotionally positive and balanced.

Take a moment to complete EXERCISE 1.

EXERCISE 1

How would you describe yourself (circle those that apply to you)?:
Healthy
In good spirits most of the time
Good coping
Ability to love and be loved
Responsible
Funny
Independent
Resourceful
Caring

How would you describe your partner (circle those that apply to him or her)?:
Healthy
In good spirits most of the time
Good coping
Ability to love and be loved
Responsible
Funny
Independent
Resourceful
Caring

The more items circled for you and your partner indicates that you each have the ability to have a strong, balanced relationship. If there are fewer items circled for one or both of you, this indicates that there may be some areas that you can work on to help make you stronger as an individual AND as a couple.

b. Cultural & Ethnic Factors : Cultural and ethnic factors refer to the cultural, racial, religious, family of origin, socioeconomic, and societal variables that form the context in which individuals and couples exist. Values, gender roles, rituals, and practices each stem from the historical and environmental influences in which the individual was exposed.

Each of these diverse and dynamic elements can represent adjustments that may be required not only in the couple, but also within their extended families.

Surrounding cultural forces shape relationships and must incorporate both partners’ belief systems. Has an inability to come to an understanding on religious upbringing of your children resulted in relationship conflict and/or disapproval from extended family members, society, or friends?

Conflicts, misunderstandings, and difficulty compromising in these areas are signs the couple may be struggling with cultural balance in their relationship.

Take a moment to answer the questions in EXERCISE 2.

EXERCISE 2

Circle YES or NO after each question.

We have talked about religion (faith and practices)? YES NO
We have discussed how to celebrate holidays together? YES NO
We have discussed how to celebrate holidays with our children? YES NO
We have shared our beliefs about raising children? YES NO
We have shared our beliefs about discipline and rules for our children? YES NO
We have agreed on type of and amount of time we will spend at work? YES NO
We have talked often about our family similarities and differences? YES NO
We discuss differences in our beliefs and practices? YES NO
We show respect for each others beliefs and practices? YES NO

This exercise is designed to help you be aware of important cultural and ethnic factors that influence your relationship. A large number of YES responses indicate that you and your partner have similar cultural viewpoints and that these similarities will match up well in how you incorporate these beliefs in your relationship.

Talking about these topics openly and honestly can have a very positive impact on your relationship and will help each of you to know where the other person is coming from and what he or she believes; thus increasing understanding and decreasing misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Helpful communication skills such as Listening, Expressing Feelings Directly, and Negotiation and Compromise can be found in the section titled He Said – She Said: A Discussion on Communication Barriers & Skills for Successful Communication.

c. Contract Features: Contract features can be defined as a set of implicit or explicit expectations that partners have concerning how they will define their relationship and relate with one another. Explicit agreements (i.e., legal binding of marriage) between two people are those that refer to doing or not doing something specified and expected.

However, contract features are usually more implicit around expectations about definition, benefits, and types of interactions within the relationship. Examples of implicit contracts may be expectations related to displays of affection, the giving and receiving of gifts, who does the housework, or even what recreational activities the couple participates in.

Relationship contracts may change based on the life stage of the relationship. For example, early in the relationship, a couple may discuss the issue of children and how to raise them; later in the relationship, negotiations may revolve around retirement. As relationship situations change, beliefs and expectations may alter as well.

An effective contract is explicit, attainable, agreeable, and beneficial.
• Explicit contracts refer to those that are known and openly understood between both partners.
• Attainable contracts are realistic and achievable, and are based on the couple’s beliefs and expectations.
• Both partners have mutual agreement in specific areas of the relationship (they both want children; similar gender role expectations).
• Beneficial to both partners; meaning that there is relationship and mutual satisfaction.

Generally speaking, it is often the implicit expectations that have the greatest potential to generate relationship dissatisfaction. Individuals often assume that their partner knows what they expect from them and the relationship, when in truth, if their expectations or behaviors are not consistent with the expectations of their partner, misunderstandings, conflict, and hurt feelings may result.

Couples who discuss their expectations, both in terms of what they will invest and what they expect to receive in return, are often better able to meet each others’ needs. As a result, these couples are better able to discuss and problem-solve areas that may be inconsistent with their relationship beliefs and expectations.

d. Commitment: Commitment, defined as an act of having pledged, devoted or obligated oneself to another, is essential in being involved with, remaining loyal, and maintaining a relationship over time.

A person’s view on commitment is a product of his or her experiences with commitment over time, within his or her own family system, past relationships, or exposure to others’ relationships. Without commitment, feelings of mistrust and insecurity can affect the stability of the relationship.

If commitment to the relationship is low, it will be very difficult to improve the relationship and outlook
for future satisfaction is poor. However, when strong commitment exists, achieving and maintaining an intimate relationship is more likely.

Two types of commitment are stability and quality. The level of commitment to stability and quality are indicators of relationship success.
• Stability refers to the ongoing nature of the relationship. Do you feel that you will stay together for the long-term? Do either of you threaten divorce or separation? Do you intend to leave each other, or do you plan on staying together?
• Quality refers to the nature and characteristics of the relationship. Are you committed to the quality of your relationship? Are you ready to make some changes to help you stay together and happy?

Take a few moments to think about these questions. These are tough questions and you may be unsure of your answers. That’s OKAY! But keep in mind that the more you both invest in the stability and quality of your relationship, the stronger and more positive you will feel about your relationship and each other.

e. Caring: Caring is one of the more obvious elements of any intimate relationship, and refers to a person’s ability to express behaviors that promote emotional and physical intimacy such as support, understanding, demonstrations of affection, and participation in sexually pleasing activities. It is important to have a balance between caring for oneself and partner.

Caring is not only expressed in affectionate or sexually intimate ways, but also through participating in mutually pleasing activities, spending quality time together, and enjoying a supportive and understanding friendship.

Often in relationships where there is substance abuse, caring behaviors and activities dwindle or stop all together. Sometimes, expressions of caring are overlooked or taken for granted, due to concern with other things, resulting in partners being uninvolved in their own relationship.

Take a minute to assess you and your partner’s caring styles by completing EXERCISE 3.

Write down examples of caring behaviors under Partner 1 (describing yourself) and under Partner 2 (describing your partner). You and your partner can make your lists separately and then talk about it together.

Maybe one partner always says “I love you,” but the other just hasn’t been listening or one partner makes a special dessert for the other on a special day and the dessert was eaten, but no “thank you” followed. Perhaps you haven’t been telling each other or showing each other how much you really care lately. This quick exercise can help to identify caring behaviors that you can show each other more often, thus resulting in you and your partner feeling cared for and loved.

EXERCISE 3

Both partners list behaviors or actions that each believes shows the type of caring behavior listed in the left column toward the other.

CARING BEHAVIOR         PARTNER 1          PARTNER 2
Ex. Loving     I give my partner a kiss each morning. My partner holds me at night until I fall asleep.

Caring behaviors and activities can be found in the section titled Increasing Positive Interactions:
Couple & Family Activities

f. Communication: Effective communication is the open and honest sharing of information between two people. Good communication guarantees that the messages intended and sent by the speaker are exactly the same as the messages heard by the listener.

Effective relationship communication allows for the expression of caring and intimacy, the identification and understanding of relationship issues, and ongoing relationship building. Positive, daily communications between partners are strong indicators of relationship success.

Communication can become difficult when the message sent is unclear or confusing. Negative communications are characterized by expressions of negative feelings (i.e., anger, sadness, shame, blaming, resentments), thus the message is not heard by the listener because he or she is tuning in to the negativity in the message, not the content of the message. Problems in communication are often the most frequent complaint of distressed couples.

Positive, healthy communication techniques include “I” Messages, Negotiation and Compromise, Listening Skills, and Expressing Feelings Directly. See section titled: He Said – She Said: A Discussion on Communication Barriers & Skills for Successful Communication.

f-1. Intent = Impact Model of Communication1

The Intent = Impact Model of Communication can help partners to understand the basic elements of effective couple communication.

In this example, the Speaker has a message that he or she intends to send to the Listener. If the Impact on the Listener is exactly the same as the Intent of the Speaker, then effective communication is achieved.

However, every couple experiences problems in effective communication at certain times. Basic requirements for effective interpersonal communication are competence and motivation, on the part of both partners.

The Speaker must be willing and able to send short, clear, and honest messages that are consistent, regarding verbal and nonverbal components (versus contradictory or mixed messages, long and confusing messages, or promoting agendas that are hidden or out of the sender's awareness).

The Listener must be willing and able to actively listen to the Speaker, helping the Speaker to clarify his or her intended message rather than over-interpreting, interrupting or defending oneself, or debating the issue.

Speakers and Listeners must also be aware of and attempt to minimize any existing Speaker or Listener filters. There are two basic types of filters that can operate to distort or interfere with the Intent = Impact process.

• One filter type is temporary or situational, and may be highly changeable; for example, fatigue, a headache, substance use, happiness over getting a new job, having a great day, etc.

• The other filter type tends to be chronic and persistent, often composed of one's perceptual biases, expectations, beliefs, character traits, enduring vulnerabilities, and sensitivities; for example, low self-esteem, anger management problems, narcissistic personality traits, recurrent major depression, etc.

Ongoing effective couple communication requires that partners be aware of these filters and work together to reduce or eliminate any distorting effects.

The Intent = Impact Model highlights that feedback occurs in both directions between the Speaker and the Listener. It is possible that, even while the Speaker is delivering his or her message, the Listener may express nonverbal or verbal responses that alter the message being delivered in progress.

For example, if the Speaker is talking and the Listener responds with a frown, the Speaker may alter his or her message immediately. Partners can become more effective communicators if they are aware of the mechanisms of action and reaction that relate to the Intent = Impact Model of Communication.

For more information on the Intent=Impact Model refer to:
1Gottman, J., Notarius, C., Gonso, J., & Markman, H. (1976). A couple’s guide to communication. Illinois: Research Press.

Complete EXERCISE 4 to assess your and your partner’s communication skills.

EXERCISE 4

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

When I talk with my partner we allow each other to talk without interruption: YES SOMETIMES NO
I am a good listener: YES SOMETIMES NO
My partner is a good listener: YES SOMETIMES NO
We talk about:
What is important to each of us? YES SOMETIMES NO
What is important to our relationship? YES SOMETIMES NO
Our disagreements? YES SOMETIMES NO
What makes each of us feel happy? YES SOMETIMES NO
We tell each other how we:
Feel? YES SOMETIMES NO
Think? YES SOMETIMES NO
Believe? YES SOMETIMES NO

If there are more NOs and SOMETIMES circled than YESs, you and your partner may be interested in learning and practicing some skills that can help you have stronger, positive, and healthy communication.

Communication skills are discussed at length in the section titled He Said – She Said: A Discussion on Communication Barriers & Skills For Successful Communication.

g. Conflict Resolution: Conflict resolution represents personal skills and interpersonal interaction patterns that promote effective decision-making, individual and couple problem solving, management of anger and negative feelings, and resolution of conflict.

Effective decision-making and problem solving have several features including, the ability to:
1) identify the problem,
2) agree on the nature of the problem,
3) brainstorm potential solutions,
4) implement the best course of action, and
5) evaluate the effectiveness of the solution.

We encourage you to use an approach that has been found to be helpful in a variety of problem solving situations: S.O.L.V.E. (e.g., child discipline, finances, household chores, etc.).

S. STOP, SLOW DOWN, and SEE THE PROBLEM
√ Is there a problem?
√ What exactly is the problem?

O. OUTLINE OPTIONS
√ Brainstorm: What can we do?
√ What might work for this situation?

L. LOOK AT CONSEQUENCES OF OPTIONS
√ What are potential long- and short-term consequences?
√ What are some positive and negative consequences?
√ What will happen if we do this?

V. VOTE
√ Evaluate identified consequences and eliminate the bad choices.
√ Which solutions have the most positive and least negative consequences?

E. EVALUATE
√ How did your solution work?
√ Did your choice solve the problem?

Let’s review a sample problem using the S.O.L.V.E. model.

Sample Problem: It’s Saturday morning and Samantha gets up to find the orange juice left out on the kitchen counter. This happens a lot. In fact, it’s the third day in a row that her partner Bill left the orange juice out. She wanted some for breakfast, but she likes to drink it cold, and now it’s warm.

S. STOP, SLOW DOWN, and SEE THE PROBLEM
The problem is that Bill has left the orange juice out for the third day in a row.

O. OUTLINE OPTIONS
1. Put ice in the glass and not tell Bill how upset she was.
2. Samantha can ask Bill to put the orange juice away from now on.

L. LOOK AT CONSEQUENCES OF OPTIONS
1. Bill will continue to leave the orange juice out. Samantha may get too mad and end up yelling at Bill.
2. Bill will realize that Samantha likes the orange juice cold, therefore, Bill can change his behavior.

V. VOTE
The 2nd option seems better because it would bring positive results and display effective communication.

E. EVALUATE
Bill now puts the orange juice away, so Samantha feels satisfied. Also, Samantha is proud to have used effective communication by letting Bill know how she was feeling.

Alone (choose a problem that is specific to you) or with your partner (a problem that you both need to talk about) choose a neutral problem (one that is not emotionally heavy and that will likely lead to an argument) that you can apply to the model. You can work through the problem in EXERCISE 5.

As you and your partner become more comfortable using the steps of the S.O.L.V.E. model, you can move on to other topics that need your attention.

Here are a few hints that will help you work through this exercise:
• Choose a problem that is behavior-specific and not attributed to a personality factor (e.g., emotional, shy, organized).
• It is best if it is a recent problem (e.g., household chores, TV/bathroom time).
• Both partners should agree on the problem situation to be addressed.
• Avoid complex or emotionally charged topics at this point.
• Make sure the situation is not a combination of several problems. If so, break it down and solve
one problem at a time.

EXERCISE 5  S.O.L.V.E.

S.: SEE THE PROBLEM: What is the problem?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
O.: OUTLINE OPTIONS: What can you do?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
L.: LIST CONSEQUENCES:
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
V.: VOTE: What is the best solution?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
E.: EVALUATE: How did it go?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

EFFECTIVE PROBLEM SOLVING DOs AND DON’Ts

DO                                               DON”T
Choose one problem at a time   Jump from topic to topic
Stay calm                               Let your emotions take over
Speak for yourself: “I” think/feel        Be stubborn
Compromise                       Blame and shame another person/situation
Listen                                 Interrupt or talk over
Work together to find a solution          Work against each other

Anger and conflict management tips:

(1) Learn to identify and anticipate situations that may provoke anger or disagreements (e.g., time to pay bills, child discipline, working over-time).

(2) Use healthy coping behaviors to alleviate anger (e.g., talk it out, exercise, timeout).

(3) Learn and use a variety of coping tools to increase management of negative feelings (use good communication skills, laughter, write out feelings).

(4) Have alternate plans should the situation worsen (e.g., take a timeout, establish a personal safety plan)

See sections Let’s Talk About Interpersonal Violence and He Said – She Said: A Discussion on Communication Barriers and Skills for Successful Communication for helpful hints and strategies.

Summary: For many couples, taking the time to think through these personal and relationship areas, like you just did, helps identify relationship strengths to build upon and goals to strive for:

a) Socially compatible personal values and a healthy personality (i.e., character).

b) Love, affection, emotional support, and balance of individual and couple rewarding activities (i.e., caring).

c) Loyalty to the partnership with a long-term perspective, accompanied by the will to work out problems (i.e., commitment).

d) Open and effective communication.

e) Strong family traditions and compatible cultural and ethnic backgrounds.

f) A marital contract that is flexible and a match between expectations and experiences.

g) Use of healthy and effective problem solving, anger management, and conflict resolution tools.

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See more of this publication at Sobriety: A Couple’s Workbook

Learning Sobriety Together: A Couple’s Workbook is also available as a pdf download – see list of manuals on the addiction and Family Research Group site
http://addictionandfamily.org/