Roots of Low Self-Esteem

Common characteristics of families, schools, work places, or community organizations which are unhealthy or dysfunctional environments include:

• Acceptance and love is not given unconditionally but is given based on performance or other conditions
• Love is earned rather than freely given
• People are loved not for who they are but for what they do
• Positive emotions and feelings are not freely and openly expressed
• Problems and troubles in the environment are not freely and openly discussed or explored
• The member's self-esteem, self worth and self-concept's are neither freely supported nor reinforced
• Members are caught up in maintaining a "public image' of the environment for others to see: that of a whole, healthy, functioning system
• The members have to work hard to get acceptance from each other
• Sadness, unhappiness, depression, discouragement, dissatisfaction, apathy, and anger are not freely expressed but are often experienced
• Open and honest communication is rare or never experienced
• Members experience a great deal of personal hurt and suffering and are not able to deal with it openly; or they often mask it so well that they deny the feelings entirely
• Members fear failure and have a tendency to be perfectionistic
• Members must jockey for one another's' approval
• Members are encouraged to sacrifice and contribute their energies for some "big payoff' in the future, which may never be experienced

Conditions which make environments unhealthy or dysfunctional

• One or more members is alcoholic or dependent on drugs and the others protect the users
• One or more members is addicted to food, gambling, sex, or to some other form of dependent behavior and the others protect the users
• One or more member is materialistic and values "things' to the exclusion of "persons'
• One or more member is suffering from a mental illness and the others do not deal well this
• A major disaster befalls the environment: death of a member; facility destroyed either due to act of God or of man; a member is murdered, raped, or is critically injured; a major accident result in permanent disability or death; severe financial problems, e.g., bankruptcy, long periods of unemployment, poverty
• One or more member is a physical, emotional, or sexual abuser of the others
• One or more members is a workaholic

Specifically within families:

• One or more members is rigid in the expression of feelings or emotions with the others
• One or more members is incapable of displaying physical affection openly to the others
• One or more members is incapable of developing an intimate relationship with the others
• A child with a developmental disability is born into the environment
• The environment is forced into a "single parent' model due to divorce, death or the excessive traveling of a spouse
• A major illness befalls a environment member, resulting in permanent disability or chronic illness

Negative consequences of being in a dysfunctional environment

Living in a dysfunctional environment for an extended period of time can result in low self-esteem which results in: 

• irrational beliefs
• disabling guilt
• a inability to trust others
• a sense of personal insecurity
• a fear of being vulnerable
• an inability to take risks
• fear of failure
• fear of success
• an inability to let go
• an inability to have fun and play
• immobilizing fears
• an inability to manage stress
• an inability to accept personal responsibility
• problems with denial
• unresolved anger
• problems handling the despair of loss
• problems accepting change
• problems in interpersonal relationships
• problems in handling conflict
• problems in problem solving
• fear of rejection
• an insatiable need for approval
• an inability to be assertive
• a problem being victim and/or martyr
• problems with power and control issues
• problems with intimacy
• problems with competition
• an inability to forgive and forget
• a tendency to develop an overactive fantasy life
• problems in communication
• compulsive behavior, e.g., perfectionist, very orderly, meticulous, inflexible

Common personality traits of people in dysfunctional environments

There are three seminal works on dysfunctional families that discuss a variety of roles in these families. The books are Peoplemaking by Virginia Satir (1972, Science and Behavior Books, Inc.); Another Chance: Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Environment by Sharon Wegschieder-Cruse (1981, Science and Behavior Books, Inc.) and It will Never Happen to Me by Claudia Black (1981, MAC Publications).

These three sources were used to the concepts of personality traits of members who come from unhealthy or dysfunctional environments not only families but also schools, businesses, churches, and other community organizations.

The following are descriptions of the nine personality traits most commonly occurring in dysfunctional or unhealthy environments.

It will be noted which of the roles were identified by the original authors as being related to these behavioral patterns.

All persons in a dysfunctional environments have the potential for these nine personality traits. Due to their response to stress in the environment, one or more of these patterns can emerge as dominant. The dominant pattern or trait can change at any time, however, depending on the status of the environment and the members' functioning within it.

These personality traits are self-scripts carried by the members of the unhealthy environment, school, business, or organization for perhaps their entire lives.

When people who have changed from these compulsive unhealthy personality traits establish families of their own, they can hand down these behavioral traits, thus incurring cross generational transmission of these traits, patterns, roles and characteristics.

The nine personality traits in dysfunctional environments are:

1. Looking good: an overresponsible pattern of high achievement and denial of the environments problems. It contains the elements of the hero of Wegscheider-Cruse, the responsible one and placator of Black, and the placator of Satir.

2. Acting-out: an irresponsible pattern of low achievement and much trouble making that diverts attention from the troubles in the environment. It contains the elements of the scapegoat of Wegscheider-Cruse, the acting-out child of Black, and the distractor and blamer of Satir.

3. Pulling-in: the withdrawn behavioral pattern of a loner who resorts to a low profile to hold in emotions in order to survive in the high stress environment. It contains the elements of the lost child of Wegscheider-Cruse, the adjuster of Black, and the computer of Satir.

4. Entertaining: a diversionary pattern of drawing attention away by clowning, amusing, hyperactivity, or ill health. It contains the elements of the mascot of Wegscheider-Cruse, the acting-out child of Black, and the distractor of Satir.

5. Troubled Person: an irresponsible pattern of problem behavior, often the cause and focus of great stress in the environment. It contains the elements of the lost person and dependent of Wegscheider-Cruse, the alcoholic or dependent of Black, and blamer of Satir.

6. Enabling: an overresponsible pattern of protecting, assisting, and cajoling the troubled person so as to reduce the stress in the environment. It contains the elements of the enabler of Wegscheider-Cruse, the non-alcoholic spouse of Black, and the placator and blamer of Satir.

7. Rescuing: an overresponsible pattern of helping others in the environment so as to reduce the tension, anxiety, hurt, and pain. It contains the elements of the hero and enabler of Wegscheider-Cruse, the placator of Black, and the placator of Satir.

8. People Pleasing: an overresponsible, approval seeking pattern characterized by excessive social appropriateness and immobilized decision making. It contains the elements of the hero of Wegscheider-Cruse, the responsible one and placator of Black, and the placator of Satir.

9. Nonfeeling: a non-emotive, stoic pattern of denial of problems and feelings that assists an individual in surviving the high stress environment.

This pattern is related to the concept of Alexathemia, which is the absence of feeling or emotionally laden vocabulary or experience. This pattern contains elements of the lost child and hero of Wegscheider-Cruse, the adjustor of Black, and the computer of Satir.

Common rules in unhealthy environments

First, each member of the environment should feel guilt:

Behavior Pattern   / Feels Guilty About

Looking good   / not doing enough or being "good enough' to make things better in the environment

Acting-out  / the bad things they do that get them into trouble

Pulling-In  / not being acceptable to the other members of the environment 

Entertaining  / not providing enough relief to the environment

Enabling  / not being able to solve the problems in the environment

Troubled Person / the problems they have that cause the others grief and pain

Rescuing  / not being able to help enough to save others from pain and hurt

People pleasing   / not being "good enough' to make other people happy

Nonfeeling  / not being able to feel or to express feelings

Other rules in unhealthy environments include:

• Every member of the environment should experience anger but should stifle it or stuff it in.
• Every environment member should have low self-esteem.
• Every environment member should feel insecure, uncomfortable, and off balance.
• There should be incomplete, unsatisfactory, poor communication between environment members.
• Honesty and candor should be stifled for the sake of peace and harmony in the environment.
• Everyone should always be on guard, and they should always prove their worth to each other.
• No one should be given acceptance unconditionally. They should only receive acceptance and love based on meeting specific conditions or expectations.
• No one is allowed to give up their expected or anticipated role, personality trait, or behavioral pattern they have adopted in the environment.
• Do not say anything to anyone else unless it is nice, pleasant, and non-confrontational.
• Avoid conflicts at all costs; lie if you must to avoid conflicts.
• Every environment member should stifle, control, and keep their feelings to themselves.
• Adults are the only ones who know anything; the input of children is useless.
• Do not change anything in the environment, the goal of the environment is to maintain the status quo.
• There are taboo topics never to be discussed in this environment. These topics include sex, drugs, alcohol, birth control, quarreling among the members, and the excessive or compulsive behavior of individual environment members.
• Someone has to feel like a winner after any disagreement, argument, or fight; there should never be a complete resolution of these events.
• No one has permission to grow or change in this environment.
• The outside world should see this environment only as the "perfect, all American' environment.
• There is no need to hold back physical or emotional punishment if someone has done wrong. All wrong doers deserve to be punished.
• Each environment member plays an expected role in the environment; this provides the environment with some sense and order.

Common feelings experienced in dysfunctional environments

• rejection   
• hurt
• disapproval     
• pain
• lack of acceptance     
• guilt
• lack of support   
• disillusionment
• being blamed  
• anger
• being put down       
• lack of success
• being appeased    
• loneliness
• being ignored   
• fear
• being scolded  
• uncared for
• being victimized  
• worthless
• being inadequate  
• restless
• overresponsibility  
• confusion
• irresponsibility  
• disappointment
• failure   
• anxiety
• fear of conflict    
• insecurity
• hungry for attention   
• scared
• indifference toward others   
• worried
• off balance  
• ugly

How to Role play dysfunctional elements in an unhealthy environment

Here is an activity you can do with your friends or support group that will allow you all to experience feelings present in dysfunctional and unhealthy environments.

Try this role-playing activity whenever you or one of your friends or support group members needs to see a three-dimensional reproduction of a dysfunctional environment.

This can give the insight needed for change in behavior, feelings, and attitudes in order to pursue healthier behavior in your current life.

Environmental Role-Play Activity

DIRECTIONS:

1. Choose different people to play the role of each member of your environment.

2. Tell each player their name, what relationship they are to you (e.g., co-worker, supervisor, manager, father, mother, brother, sister, etc.) and what role or attitude they brought to the environment using the roles for environmental role playing.

3. Choose people to play the "sick' behavior, dead or absent people, responsibilities, or other relevant issues in the environment.

4. Ask each of the players to assume a position that is appropriate to their role.

5. Ask them to hold the positions for about five minutes, and then ask each one of them how it feels to be in that role.

6. Now ask them to re-enact a specific time in your life in the specific environment which you are role-playing, that you remember graphically and that seems to lie at the basis of a current feeling of pain or hurt.

7. As this aspect of your life is re-enacted, tune into your feelings. With the help of your group, try to figure out what those feelings tell you and what you need to work on to attain healthy life.

8. It is useful to have a professional mental health counselor or psychodramatist lead this role-playing activity so that all involved can obtain the optimal benefit from the experience.

Roles for Environmental Role Playing

Roles - Non-verbal Script

Role: Looking good or rescuing or people-pleasing: keeps the other person from getting mad, hurt, angry, etc. Always agrees with others, says yes to everything.
Non-verbal Script: Get down on one knee and put one arm up, raised in supplication, and the other arm crossed over your heart. Feel wobbly. Be sure your head is up high enough so your neck is stretched back.

Role: Troubled person or enabling: Fault finding, acting superior, a dictator, a boss, being disagreeable.
Non-verbal Script: Point your finger accusingly with arm outstretched. Hold the other arm behind you. Have one foot forward so that your body is in an "attack' position.

Role: Nonfeeling or pulling-Bin: ultra-reasonable, always very correct, showing no feelings. Always calm, cool and collected. Their goal is to never make a mistake.
Non-verbal Script:Keep everything about you as motionless as possible. Try hard to keep perfectly stiff and tight. Straighten up your back and stand erect. Head and chin up. Look perfect!

Role: Entertaining or acting-out: does or says things that are irrelevant.
Non-verbal Script: Act like a lopsided top. Keep busy moving your body, arms and legs. Let your body go in different directions.

Role: Non-communicator
Non-verbal Script: Back to back with person who is speaking. Fold your arms across your chest.

Role: Authoritarian
Non-verbal Script: Remain standing, arms folded, while person who is talking with them is either kneeling or is physically below them.

Role: Childlike perspective
Non-verbal Script: Kneel on floor, looking at world from this height. Hold arms up in order to make a request from any adult.

Role: Indifference or rejection
Non-verbal Script: Look over the person's shoulder with whom you are communicating breaking eye contact.

Role: Attention seeking
Non-verbal Script: Tug at shirt or arm of person from whom you are seeking attention.

Role: Acceptance
Non-verbal Script: Get at eye level, and sustain eye contact with person with whom you are speaking. If the other person is a child, use a chair or squat down in order to remain at eye level.

Role: Non-listener
Non-verbal Script: Put your hands over your ears.

Role: Person with a "sick' behavior
Non-verbal Script: Place someone behind this person who hangs on the back, representing the sick behavior that that person carries.

Role: Victim
Non-verbal Script: Kneel, hang head down, focus eyes on ground.

Role: Responsibility
Non-verbal Script: Have a different person represent each thing for which a person feels responsible or obligated. Hang each person onto that person by holding on to an arm, hand, leg, neck, shoulder, or foot.

Role: Dead, missing or divorced person
Non-verbal Script: Have a person hang on the back of another person upon whom the missing person's influence is still at work.

Role: Close-knit members
Non-verbal Script: Form tightly knit circle, linking arms together.

Role: Distance between members
Non-verbal Script: Stand at least six feet or more away from each other.

Role: Supportive
Non-verbal Script: Put hand on shoulder of person being supported.

Role: Denial, secret keeping, or ignoring problems
Non-verbal Script: Hold hands in front of face so that you can't see.

Role: Mask
Non-verbal Script: Smile a big Cheshire cat smile. Look happy no matter what happens in family!

How to identify if you have been a part of unhealthy environments:
At school
At work
In your family of origin

1. Was your school environment unhealthy and dysfunctional?

In your journal answer these questions:

1. List each of the schools you attended in your life and target a school environment which you think was unhealthy and dysfunctional for you

2. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments were true for the target school.

3. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your target school.

4. List the following information for members of your target school that you remember:

What "sick,' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior they had or currently have

What "roles' they played in the dysfunctional school setting

 How they appeared to the world

What physical characteristics made them stand out in your school

5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior your school mates experienced from being in this school environment.

6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your target school.

7. List how each member handled guilt.

8. List the hidden feelings each member was most likely experiencing in your target school.

9. List those feelings that:

you experienced in your target school when you were there

you experience when you return "home' to visit with your target school

you are currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.

10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being involved in your target dysfunctional school.

11. List the signs of the need for help for you in order to redirect your life to better health.

2. Was your work environment unhealthy and dysfunctional?

In your journal answer these questions:

1. List each of the places of employment you worked at in your life and target a work environment which you think was unhealthy and dysfunctional for you

2. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments were true for the target work place.

3. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your target work place.

4. List the following information for members of your target work place that you remember:

What "sick,' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior they had or currently have

What "roles' they played in the dysfunctional work setting

How they appeared to the world

What physical characteristics made them stand out in your work setting

5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior your work mates experienced from being in this work environment.

6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your target work place.

7. List how each member handled guilt.

8. List the hidden feelings each member was most likely experiencing in your target work place.

9. List those feelings that:

you experienced in your target work place when you were there

you experience when you return "home' to visit with your target work place

you are currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.

10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being involved in your target dysfunctional target work place.

11. List the signs of the need for help for you in order to redirect your life to better health.

3. Was you family unhealthy or dysfunctional?

In your journal answer these questions:

1. Supply the following information for yourself

Father's name and age he married mom

Mother's name and age she married dad

Brothers' names and birth dates

Sisters' names and birth dates

Names and birth dates of any relatives who lived with your family of origin

Date parents married

Date parents divorced (if they did)

Date parent(s) died (if they did)

What parent(s) died of

Age parent(s) died

Date parent(s) remarried (if they did)

Names of stepparent(s) (if they exist)

2. List the following information for each of your family members: 

What "sick,' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior they had or currently have

What "roles' they played in the family

How they appeared to the world

What physical characteristics made them stand out in your family

For the list of you and your siblings

educational accomplishments

work history and current career status

marital history and current family make up

What physical illnesses or conditions each family member may have

If any family members have died, when did they and why did they die?

3. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional families were true for your family of origin.

4. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your family.

5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior each of your family members experienced from living in your family.

6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your family of origin.

7. List how each family member handled guilt.

8. List the hidden feelings each family member was most likely experiencing in your family of origin.

9. List those feelings that:

you experienced in your family of origin when you lived in it

you experience when you return "home' to visit with your family of origin

you are currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.

10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being reared in your dysfunctional family.

11. List which of your current problem behavior traits are also current problem behavior traits for your parents and siblings.

12. List the signs of the need for help for you and your family members in order to redirect your lives to better health.

13. Compare your family of origin with the families of origin of your father and mother. List the similarities of dysfunctional elements shared by these three families.

14. Compare your family of origin with your current nuclear family. List the similarities of dysfunctional elements shared by your two families.

15. Compare your family of origin with the family of origin of your current spouse (if you are married) or with the family of origin of your former spouse(s). List the similarities of dysfunction shared by your family of origin, current family, and the family of your spouse(s).

16. Look at your spouse (current or former) and list the dysfunctional elements that the spouse brought to your relationship. Compare them to the dysfunctional elements you brought to the relationship.

17. What was it about your spouse(s) that attracted you? How aware were you both of the dysfunctional elements in both of your backgrounds before getting involved with each other? How would knowing this information have influenced your decision to get involved? How did your individual backgrounds influence your relationship together?

18. What age were you when you first realized there were problems: (1) in your family of origin, (2) in your marital relationship, (3) in your current family? What were the signs of trouble? How did you deal or cope with the problem? What problems are still causing you stress and trouble today?