In the previous article we talked about things but you should not do.

In this article we'll talk about things that you could do to make it more certain that your partner will do something about their drinking.

As suggested in the previous article as the partner of the drinker you should not fall into the trap of co-dependency, that is living the life reacting to the behavior of the drinker.

It is difficult to not fall into that pattern, however that only reinforces the drinker's behavior and increases the anger and resentment felt by the partner.

Instead you need to start thinking about yourself you need to start living you need to start having a life of your own. Spend time with friends, join clubs, find things that interest you.

If you can do this has a number of consequences.

First you might actually enjoy it, it may be some time since you actually had time to yourself and did things for yourself.

Second you may find that it takes your mind off some of the problems and you worry less, and you are less stressed.

Third it may say send out a signal to the drinker but you're no longer spending your life waiting on them in this change in the environment can often lead to the drinker to start considering their own behavior.

For they may stop to believe that if they do not change the name may be alone.

Some commentators suggest that you should confront the drinker.

In some cases this may be the right thing to do, however be careful. If you do confront then do not confront if the drinker is intoxicated. Also the very careful about confronting if there is a history of violence, you probably know the risks of the situation better than anyone but remember and be cautious.

Make sure that you're safe and be doubly cautious if that are children involved. One method of confrontation involves getting family and friends as a united unit to do the confrontation. This does have a number of advantages. It presents a united front would and makes it more difficult for the drinker to deny having a problem.

Having a number of people involved in the confrontation may also provide a ready-made support network. It may also deflects attention away from yourself as the partner of the drinker, although be careful that attention may return again when you are alone.

It also helps if you are a positive and offer help and support. If the drinker suggests going to the doctor, rehab or AA than be positive about that encourage it. One way you could be very encouraging is to suggest accompanying the drinker as they seek help.

However it is extremely difficult and frustrating to wait for the drinker to come to a decision to change or seek help. Indeed it is very tempting to try and force the issue.

Many toddlers are drinkers try to force the issue by leaving pamphlets or information booklets in prominent places that the drinker will find them. Others have invited members of alcoholics anonymous to visit the house to talk to the drinker.

The difficulty with both of these strategies is that if the drinker is not open to discussion about the drinking than it may actually offer an excuse for further or prolonged drinking.

Despite what some authors and commentators say, confrontation, either direct or indirect through literature, is not always was the right thing to do.

It works in some situations it most definitely does not work in other situations.

What does work is to start and live your own life. It does not necessarily require that you move out of the marital home, instead it may be that you carve out a life for yourself, independent of the drinker but still within the home.

This may or may not lead to the drinker changing or seeking help must and will lead to much more satisfying and fulfilling life for yourself. It will also be much better for any children in the relationship.

One of the commonest questions anyone working in the addiction field is asked is “How can I stop my wife/husband/partner from drinking so much?”

Unfortunately the short answer to that is – you can’t.

They will stop when it suits them, whether that is because they hurt so much or because circumstances change.

That is painful to hear, but nevertheless it is true.

There is some good news, however, and that is if you can’t actually stop them drinking then there are things that you can do, or stop doing, that will make it more likely that they will take action and/or seek help for their drinking.

Below I have listed a number of things that you should avoid doing as they often have the opposite effect to intended, making the situation even worse. I will discuss the things that you should do in another article.

However Don’t protect the drinker from the naturally occurring consequences of drinking.

If they embarrass themselves don’t make excuses, or if they fall don’t pick them up.

Only intervene if there is a danger of the drinker being injured.

For most people this kind of ‘tough love’ is a difficult thing to do, just ignore a loved one when they are drunk goes very much against the grain.

However, protecting the drinker means that they never suffer the consequences and so are never aware of the severity of their drinking.

Since many believe that problem drinkers only seek help when they are hurting, so protecting the drinker only delays that time coming and that it could be argued is more cruel.

Don’t protect the drinker from other consequences.

If they take time off work through being too drunk or too hungover, don’t phone the boss and give an excuse. The problem drinker is only too happy for someone else to accept responsibility whereas they need to accept responsibility for their own behaviour if they are to change.

Don’t collude with the drinker. If they spend all their money on drink don’t lend them money or pay their debts. Again this is protecting and delays recognition of the extent of the problem.

Don’t join in and drink along with the drinker. It may seem a natural thing to do – “if you can’t beat them join them” but this just makes the drinking behaviour appear to be normal, which of course it’s not. Besides if you try and keep up you could end up needing help yourself, and one drunk is more than enough for any household.

Don’t scream and shout and nag about the drinking behaviour. This just provides an excuse to drink even more. That is, the logic that is used here is “I drink because you nag” rather than “You nag because I drink”. Yea, I know that is not logical but hey this is not about logic, its about drinking.

Don’t make threats and give ultimatums. Unless you are actually prepared to carry out these threats and ultimatums they will lose any power to influence the drinker.

In fact, they may even provide an excuse for drinking, especially if there is a pattern of drinking to avoid stress and painful circumstances. Therefore you could be left feeling even more frustrated than before.

Don’t cry and sulk and withdraw to punish the drinker. The drinker can again view his as behaviour best avoided by getting drunk, perhaps with the immortal words “No wonder I drink, look at you!”.

Don’t try and have a meaningful conversation about the drinkers behaviour or your lives together when the drinker is intoxicated. It is easy to get lured into a conversation – don’t. Wait till the morning or when they are sober.

[Photo: Bruce Willis and Halle Berry in "Perfect Stranger."]