Steve Olson [from his guest blog on Craig Harper's site]

Why is it so hard to change?

To lose weight? To quit smoking? To get in shape?

To change negative character traits?

There are many reasons. And I don't have all the answers, but I can share what I've learned over the last 39 years.

The biggest reason we fail to create the lives we want is because we continually make excuses. But why do we make excuses which trap us?

Personal change is actually quite simple. It only requires five high level steps:

1. Identify the thing you want to change about yourself
2. Decide to change it
3. Garner help and information from other people who have successfully made the same change
4. Build and execute a plan of action using this information and the help of others
5. If you fail, go back to step #3, tweak your plan, and repeat until you produce the desired results.

Most people quit in the middle of #3 and I have discovered one reason why.

Since I began my personal development blog 18 months ago, other writers have been telling me to read "The Games people Play" by Eric Berne. I finally read it this week and it revealed an eye opening psychological game we play regarding excuses.

Eric Berne didn't buy into this "victimology" that people are "powerless" over their lives.

He believed that we can change ourselves because we are the most powerful force in our lives.

Eric Berne created a form of psychoanalysis he named Transactional Analysis.

I won't explain the details here, except to say that we all play psychological games with other people to get our emotional needs met.

Not all, but most of these games create negative experiences in our lives. These games were programmed into our subconscious during childhood, so as adults we are unaware we are playing games. Unfortunately these negative games tend to create a negative "script" for our lives.

One of the first games Dr. Berne discovered is also the most heavily researched.

From Wikipedia:

Why Don't You / Yes But

The first such game theorized was Why don't you/Yes, but in which one player (White) would pose a problem as if seeking help, and the other player(s) (Black) would offer solutions (the "Why don't you?" suggestion).

This game was noticed as many patients played it in therapy and psychiatry sessions, and inspired Berne to identify other interpersonal "games".

White would point out a flaw in every Black player's solution (the "Yes, but" response), until they all gave up in frustration.

White: I wish I could lose some weight.

Black: Why don't you join a gym?

W: Yes but, I can't afford the payments for a gym.

B: Why don't you speed walk around your block after you get home from work?

W: Yes but, I don't dare walk alone in my neighborhood after dark.
B: Why don't you take the stairs at work instead of the elevator?

W: Yes but, after my knee surgery, it hurts too much to walk that many flights of stairs.

B: Why don't you change your diet?

W: Yes but, my stomach is sensitive and I can tolerate only certain foods.

"Why Don't You, Yes But" can proceed indefinitely, with any number of players in the Black role, until Black's imagination is exhausted, and he or she can think of no other solutions.

At this point, White "wins" by having stumped Black. After a silent pause following Black's final suggestion, the game is often brought to a formal end by a third role, Green, who makes a comment such as, "It just goes to show how difficult it is to lose weight."

Doesn't that sound familiar? I'm sure we've all been on both sides of this game at one time or another. We play these games because we get an emotional "payoff."

Continued on craigharper.com.au