dealing with bad habits, overcoming habit, changing habit, break a bad habit

Our slogan should be, "Don't kill yourself, skill yourself." Instead of just 'getting along by going along,' you have to ask yourself: "What am I going to trade my life for?"

"Am I going to trade all my shining possibilities for the dim, cave-like existence of unhealthy habits?"

"Am I going to stop blaming my failure on others and set my vision on becoming a renewed, happier, competent person who is in control of my life and is able to manage my feelings?"

Your vision acts like a rope that is stretched across the river so that you can hold on when the waters get rough and you want to give up, when your old feelings become almost too powerful to manage.

We humans pride ourselves as being the "thinking" beings on this planet. In reality, even for us, everything starts as a feeling.

I firmly believe that emotions, more than thoughts, motivate our actions. Thoughts cause us to have different feelings, but it is that feeling that actually results in the way we behave.

As I stated, we like to claim that we are intellectual beings, while in truth, we are primarily creatures of emotion and feelings. For example, if it weren't for the existence of positive feelings accompanying a goal, most people would not pursue activities involving delayed gratification, such as getting an advanced educational degree or getting married.

Motivation in life is simply a matter of moving TOWARD a feeling or AWAY from a feeling. All behavior is basically the result of "payoffs" (a feeling or state that usually makes you feel better than you did) which result from a certain action or behavior.

There is a basic equation which I have developed called F-A-N which sums this up so that it is easy to understand. It is the basic motivational relationship of life and everything that we do. F+A =N, stands for F [feelings] + A [actions] = N [new feelings].

Actions that bring about a desired new feeling will tend to be repeated while those that result in an undesirable feeling are not likely to become habitual. At times we engage in a particular behavior in hope of finding a new feeling or pleasurable sensation.

In developing healthy habits, the positive rewards come after the activity or behavior. For example, weight lifting is very strenuous, and a lot of unpleasant work, but it results in a very positive effect on your weight and physique.

The unpleasantness comes first and the reward comes second.

While drinking alcohol produces pleasant effects in the beginning by giving a person a euphoric feeling and by blurring the reality of life, it is followed by the very negative effects of the 'hang-over' which produces a headache, body bloating, weight gain, and sometimes, nausea.

To repeat, good or healthy habits work with negative feelings up front, followed by the reward or the positive feelings (good/healthy habit = first -, secondly +). The bad or unhealthy habit begins with feelings that are pleasant followed by very bad feelings (bad/unhealthy habit = first +, secondly -).

Keep in mind that any activity or substance capable of changing your feelings, can and will motivate and prompt a variety of behaviors, and therefore has great influence over you (be it healthy or unhealthy behavior).

Remember, it is easy to be seduced into unhealthy habits; however, it is not your fault since you did not willingly choose them. There is no shame and no blame.

As I have stated, no one chooses to become reliant on substances or behavior patterns. No one strives to become an excessive drinker, a workaholic, a compulsive shopper, an overeater, a couch potato, a procrastinator, a street drug user, or a compulsive gambler.

Instead, we get caught in these behaviorsand activities because we lack self-awareness and knowledge about the nature of the substance we are using or the behavior in which we are engaged.

Without an understanding of our emotions and what it is we are trying to avoid or achieve, breaking a bad habit is virtually impossible.

In my individual journey to the development of healthy habits, I was under the care of many well-meaning doctors and therapists. Frequently, I got 'off track' by trying to give them complete control.

In essence, I wanted to use the "short-cut life" approach again by putting all the responsibility for me on their shoulders, and I would just go along for the ride and make myself dependent again, this time on them.

This delayed the formulation of my own new healthy lifestyle management habits that were beneficial for me personally.

The extreme frustration of experiencing delay upon delay, and taking pathway after pathway, motivated me to embark on a new career in the field of Psychology, so that I could open new doors for others.

It is important to me that others have a more structured and doable plan than I had to follow.

While in school, my psychology professors taught me to develop or find a theory to guide my thinking and actions. This theory or model is the framework or basic road map, which remains open for change and correction, that explains the "whys," and which answers the questions.

What I have explained so far in thischapter, and what will follow, is all part of a psychological model which I have created from my own experiences and education. It incorporates much wisdom from the self-help movement and the cutting edge of professional literature.

It is designed to help you move forward, even when you don't feel like it. The exercises, charts, and text in this chapter can act as your anchor, and I hope that you read it not once, but several times until you feel comfortable with the tools and explanations presented in it.

Remember, without a good foundation, it will be more difficult to use the tools that follow.

As you have just learned, after we have developed unhealthy lifestyle habits -- with the positive feelings delivered at the beginning of the activity and the negative feelings delivered at the end of the activity -- we soon discover that we continue to engage in our unhealthy habits not because we are looking for a good feeling anymore, but because we just don't want any worse feelings to come along.

This is why it is so important to grasp this next concept. If you are going to take control and make healthy lifestyle management changes that last, you must develop an Internal Locus (Point) of Control.

Unless you want to be permanently dependent on outside forces to keep you 'on track,' you must look within yourself.

You need to accept full responsibility for the desired healthy changes in order to become the dynamic center of your own life.

This is what I did when I took the responsibility for myself off the shoulders of my doctors and therapists. When you do this, just as I did, you will develop the focal point for achieving your self-determined goals.

While it is correct to acknowledge the presence of biological, sociological, and psychological influences, as we have already done, it is time for you to take ultimate responsibility for your life.

You now need to become the one behind the wheel, in the driver's seat. Although you are affected by predestined factors in the past, you can learn to compensate for them when you decide to take charge.

Although I encourage you to interact with others and avail yourself of a variety of literature, in the end, you must become a self-correcting, self-asserting machine.

I realize that you have been in a destructive relationship with a particular unhealthy habit or behavior. As I have stated several times, the purpose of this book is to help pull you out of those negative patterns and enable you to develop constructive habits in their place.

You are in the process of learning how to develop ever-increasing internal levels of control over your behavior by increasing the self responsibility of your entire life.

The Internal Locus (Point) of Control concept was developed by Rotter, the well-known psychologist. He was the first, on record, to notice that some individuals seem to be directed by thoughts and feelings emanating from within, while others appear to run their lives according to external forces -- like a leaf in the wind.

As comically illustrated by the fellow in the cartoon, the reason we engage in destructive habits is not due to external forces beyond our control. We can choose or not choose to walk into the ice cream parlor. We are not pulled, as the cartoon depicts, by some all-powerful mystical force.

Even though it sometimes feels that we are forced to engage in our bad habits, in actuality, the 'pull' comes from within.

The reason you veer off the highway toward your favorite bar, fast food restaurant, or shopping mall is so that you can satisfy an internal need.

It is this all-consuming need that you will learn to master.

First, just accept the fact that this need comes from within, and stop wasting your time and energy lookingfor answers elsewhere.

It is useful to compare yourself to an explorer embarking on a voyage toward a compelling and rewarding destination. Think of yourself as a kind of Christopher Columbus character. As you begin this challenging voyage, your final destination is not in sight, but it is in your mind.

You know where you want to go. As you move into uncharted waters, you may, from time to time, need to return to the shore or even the starting point to regroup, re-plan, and load-up on new supplies.

The important thing is not to penalize or punish yourself when this happens. This is quite simply an expected part of your journey and adventure.

On your journey, whenever you find that a particular tactic is not proving effective, you must change your course. During these times you will need to admit to feeling pressure and feeling overwhelmed.

Do not respond with despair or inactivity. Instead, admit and reaffirm that you must now take a new direction and continue with even greater effort and resolve.

If you find that a particular problem or habit is slowing your general progress, instead of using it as an excuse, gear-up to take definite steps to conquer it. If and when your effort doesn't produce the results you desire, you will have to pause, rethink the strategy and build the internal strength to start over again.

This back and forth action is a normal part of your journey toward healthy lifestyle management habits.The most important thing is to realize that 'If at first you don't succeed' -- once, twice, or even after many attempts, there is no reason to feel depressed, discouraged, or even embarrassed.

This is quite normal. You cannot expect an approach to work the first few times out. If it does -- Great! If it doesn't, try something else or something more. Keep working and using your own creativity, and you will get it right!

Remember our slogan: "Don't Kill Yourself, Skill Yourself."

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Excerpted from Chapter 1 of "Take Control Now!“ by Marc F. Kern, PhD

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